Do You Know What’s More Powerful Than Self-Esteem?

In our zeal for boosting everyone’s self-esteem we might just be missing an even more powerful capacity for people to develop.

The one that helps you find the guts and perseverance to polish your gems- the traits, talents and skills you have and make you singularly you.

Self-compassion.

With self-compassion you positively relate to yourself without evaluating everything you do and unnecessarily comparing yourself to others.

It’s being kind, caring and understanding with yourself as you would with your closest, dearest friend.

It means being wise enough to know that we humans are all flawed, even the better than average folks, and counting yourself in the human race.

It’s being aware of what happening now, without judging it. Which might be the hardest hurdle for most of us. Since our inner critics like to remind us of all the ways we could, should and ought to be doing, thinking, and feeling.

Make yourself a nice glass of lemonade.

You can be self-compassionate when life just throws you lemons. When your schedule implodes and your washing machine overflows, leaving a sudsy flood stained floor behind. Or when you drop the ball, or do something foolish that makes you cringe thinking about it.

Beating yourself up or pointing out how much better you are than someone else are the easy options.

Pulling up the big girl pants and saying “okay, that was not good, this feels lousy and I am still a good decent person” is the harder option.

Now you might think it would be awfully easy to be soft on yourself- and become self-indulgent. Well that might happen, but from what I have seen in my clients, and what research shows is that likelihood is pretty darn small.

Higher levels of self-compassion are linked to increased optimism, curiosity, happiness, and feeling connected to others.

It’s also linked to lower levels of fear of failure –excellent fuel to keep trying and growing.

And less anxiety -less stress, what’s not to love?

And less rumination, running things over and over and over in your mind- even less stress!

And self-compassion is linked to a desire for your well-being and health AND more internal motivation to make necessary changes in life.

You are not letting yourself off the hook; you are giving yourself a break.

When you give yourself a break you are building up your self-worth that leads to a steady humble confidence less anger and feeling less self-conscious when in public.

And you won’t become a narcissist.

All rights reserved@2013

Deirdre Danahar works creative professional ready to do their best work without sacrificing their quality of life. She is the owner of InMotion Consulting & Coaching, based in Jackson, MS. Reach her at deirdre@inmotioncc.com.

Could You Have Too Much Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem everyone needs it and we work pretty hard to help people achieve it.  And for some good reasons high self-esteem is associated with less depression and anxiety, as well as, with greater happiness and life satisfaction.

But you can have too much of a good thing.

See there is a dark side to high self-esteem.

High self-esteem is strongly correlated with narcissism.

You know at least one tiresome full-of-themselves person.  You don’t want to be that person. Remember what happened to Narcissus?  He disdained the people who loved him and because he was so absorbed admiring his reflection, never leaving it, he died.

More realistically and increasingly common, too much self-esteem can lead to the better-than average effect, the need to feel superior to others just to feel okay about oneself. Turns out most of us are average, and that should be okay.

But NOPE here in the Western world we have managed to make being average -and by that I mean just being you and honestly humbly bring forth the best of you- unacceptable.

No one should feel bad about himself because he’s not exceptional.  Exceptional can also mean freak of nature.

You’re in good company when you are average.

I like to think of “average” as being in good company -all us average folks. What really excites me is seeing people stop turning outward, constantly measuring themselves against someone else and instead, noticing all the gems they have inside and get to polishing those. That’s when the extra-ordinary can take root.

You should feel great about who you are because even if you are “average”. You are still unique; there is not one person EXACTLY LIKE you.  Trite, but true.

We are captivated when we see someone really at ease with whom she is and has the guts to show that to the world. That’s the bright side of self-esteem.

All rights reserved@2013. Deirdre Danahar works creative professional ready to do their best work without sacrificing their quality of life. She is the owner of InMotion Consulting & Coaching, based in Jackson, MS. Reach her at deirdre@inmotioncc.com.

Live as if you were living already for t

Live as if you were living already for the second time & as if you had acted the first time as wrongly as you are about to act now! V Frankl

Be you, uniquely. You don’t have to be e

Be you, uniquely.
You don’t have to be exceptional to be successful or find happiness. But you do need to be you, specifically using your best traits – the ones that make you uniquely you- in your work. Softer ones, like kindness, zest and forgiveness, as well as, traits like prudence, creativity and perseverance. Your combination of traits is a treasure trove of strengths, often untapped.

Is Humility Holding You Back?

I have client, Paul, who’s bright, ambitious, a family man, entrepreneur, and very down to earth. In fact he is so down to earth and concerned about not coming off like a pompous jerk that he gets in his own way.

Compliment him on doing something well he’s quick to dismiss it.  When negotiating contracts with clients he’s swift to say “here are all the wonderful amazing things that I can do for you but don’t think that makes me a genius or that means I’m any better than you.”

Of course he’s better than his clients at what he does, that’s why they are hiring him.

When Paul says “but my skills and talents don’t make me better than you” he’s not allowing his most defining traits -the ones that make him really good at what he does and who he is- shine on their own. Inadvertently the message he sends is that he’s questioned his abilities and maybe really isn’t sure he’ll be able to deliver on what he’s promised.

But that’s not actually the case.

He’s apologizing for no good reason.

He is trying to downplay his talents and his finely honed skills to relate to other people and make sure everyone eels comfortable.  The idea that someone might see him as better than they are is just too much to bear so he’s quick to qualify his gifts and downplay them, in place of just letting them stand on their own without comment.

The irony is that he’s holding himself in higher esteem than the other person, maybe not in the front of his mind, but in the back of his mind. The very thing he’s trying to avoid.

When your humility turns into halting self-deprecation it stops being a good thing.

 Many people, maybe even you (I know I did), grow up with the message don’t put yourself on a pedestal or don’t get too big for your britches. Not being a self-centered narcissist is a really fine thing. It keeps you grounded and driving. And it helps you to notice what other people bring to the table. But it can lead to holding yourself back because you don’t want to show off or be perceived that you’re showing off.

Paul’s challenge is to simply own and honor his best traits -the ones that makes him who he is at his very best and the very reason people want to hire him- without apologizing for them or being pompous.  He’ll be humble, respectful and at ease and will make others feel at ease too.

If this is ringing a bell for you, maybe you’re holding back when you should not.  Here’s my challenge for you each day this week practice simply spotting your best traits and when you get to use them what happens. Don’t judge what happens as good or bad just simply notice. See what happens. See what you discover.

I’d love to hear about your experiences on LinkedIn, Facebook, or Twitter.

All rights reserved@2013

Deirdre Danahar works creative professional ready to do their best work without sacrificing their quality of life. She is the owner of InMotion Consulting & Coaching, based in Jackson, MS. Reach her at deirdre@inmotioncc.com.

Can You Learn To Love Exercise?

This is a guest post from Clint Barr, Raising the Barr Fitness. As a personal coach with additional training in health and wellness coaching supporting your physical well-being as part of your total well-being is important to me. I found exercises I love and hope you do too. We know that exercise is great for reducing stress and clearing your mind. Those both position you to get more out of your life, including your work.

You know you need to exercise, but you just can’t stand the idea of getting into a boring, grueling routine. If you’re really ready to get into shape, you can make it happen by taking a different approach to working out. The simple truth is you don’t need to slave away on a treadmill to enjoy results. Exercise is often what you make it. Be creative and you can even learn to love it!

So, how can you get the results you want without chaining yourself to a treadmill or doing 200 sit-ups a day?

The first thing you need to do is change your thinking about working out. Working out doesn’t have to be a dirty verb in your vocabulary. Consider this term to mean simply being active. A “workout” can technically involve any activity that gets you up and moving around. You can even “workout” and have fun, too. Really!

Here’s how!

Ask yourself these things:

• What do you like doing? – Are there physical activities that you actually enjoy? Perhaps you love to play ball with your kids. Maybe swimming is a favorite pastime? It might be that you really enjoy taking brisk walks with your dog. Whatever it is, build your “workout” routine around that activity.
• What are your goals? – Set very realistic, attainable goals to lead yourself down the path to weight loss and exercise success. Reaching even the smallest of goals can boost your esteem and encourage you to go even farther.
• Do I have 30 minutes a few days a week? – Exercising effectively doesn’t call for setting aside hours a day, every day in a week to make real changes happen. All you really need is about 30 minutes, five days a week to put yourself on the right path. If you’re having fun playing ball, swimming or doing something else enjoyable, you will stick with the program.

A good “workout” doesn’t have to be an exercise in frustration. The fact of the matter is there are many different activities that can help you get into shape and lose weight, too. Getting the best and most consistent results often calls for thinking out of the box and finding activities that you truly enjoy. Remember, you can even mix things up and still get results. You might, for example, play ball on a Monday, go swimming on Wednesday, take part in a kick boxing class at a local gym on Friday and so on.

If it’s time to change the way you think about exercise, explore the real possibilities. They are not as boring as you’ve been led to believe! Check with a Jackson personal trainer or the professionals at your local gym for some ideas and even classes that fit your need to get active while satisfying your appetite for fun.

Clint Barr is the owner of Raising The Barr Fitness, Ridgeland’s premier private and small group fitness training studio, and the best-selling author of 3 Steps To Your Best Body.  Contact him right now to receive a complimentary nutrition and fitness consultation (valued at $87).

How to be Better at Anything You Do

Vicky and I, grazed on lunches of huge salads while talking about the eternal questions of  “How do I get better at what I do?“ and “How do I know I’m doing the right things?” Vicky and I met in a Leadership program. She’s savvy, ambitious, smart and willing to put in what it takes to be a success. She’s got it all going on and is together.  Yet, she is like so many people, trying to put together the puzzle pieces of her life to figure out what comes next.

She had applied for an exciting position. Based on the encouragement and the feedback she had, it seemed like the pieces were falling into place for her. Turns out she did not make in into the pool of finalists. Bewildered. Frustrated. Smarting like someone yanked the chair out from underneath her.  “ I just can’t believe I didn’t get it. Something is coming, I can feel it. I’m restless.  But I am not sure what.”, said Vicky.

Reflex for Reflection

The natural response is  “Well how about spending some time reflecting on the situation?”  But taking time to reflect when you are too busy to get through your emails feels like an    If you don’t that puzzle might just always remain unfinished and take up room.

So we say “If I spent more time thinking about my plans, actions, how did I end up here, why I made this mistake, how we got those amazing results so the team can do it again….(insert your favorite topic) the list could go on… We are all faced with the challenge of reflecting in a world where ‘unproductive’, non-doing time is not valued.

Time Matters

If you agree reflection is an important skill for growing and be better at what you do, (or to figure out what you would be better at doing) then you have to find time for it.  There is no way around it. But finding time doesn’t mean you need to change your routine.

Use your travel time. A 10-minute commute is terrific time for reflecting. Do that twice a day and you get 20 minutes.

Working out is a great time to reflect, especially if you need to reflect about something that pushes your buttons. Burn it off and work it out at once.

Be bold. Schedule a meeting with yourself for reflecting. A mere 30-minutes can go a long way.

Topics Make Productive Time

Reflecting for the sake of reflecting is nice, but not likely to help you put the pieces in place. It’s better to have one or two questions, so you can look deeply and see if you are doing the right thing.  Questions like: “I am still heading the right direction?” “What helped me get here?” “Where I am lying to myself?” and  “How can this be easier?”

Your questions may be different, and the answers you seek may not always be what you like to find but the time is well spent.

Reflection As Reflex

The more you reflect, the easier it is and it becomes a reflex one that without you can’t be better at what you do.  As you use the skill you’ll more quickly spot good routes, challenges and alternatives to take, before someone pulls the chair out from under you.

To help you build this skill, I invite you to take a couple of minutes to identify three topics where more reflection would benefit you, and share these with me in the comments below.

As for Vicky, she  is taking time during her commute to look at the puzzle pieces more closely.

All rights reserved@2013

Deirdre Danahar helps busy, creative, professionals do their best work without sacrificing their quality of life.  She is the owner of InMotion Consulting & Coaching, LLC, based in Jackson, MS. Reach her at deirdre@inmotioncc.com or 601-362-8288.