Habit Forming

“First we form habits, then they form us.” – Rob Gilbert

When we try to change a habit it seems new and unusual but after a while it becomes second nature. You just have to work at it! This is a common topic for myself, my family, friends and my clients.  Whether that new habit is eating better, learning a new way of working, getting back into a workout routine, learning a new dance step, balancing work with the rest of your life or any other number of things. Changing the way you speak from a place of frustration to from a place of empathy.

So many of these things seem like they ought to be  a proverbial “I shoudda had a V-8”- bonk hand on the head simple thing. Well of course I am going to start going to the gym at least 4 times a week… it’s what I ought to do. But what about all the other stuff I have to do, work, shopping, seeing my friends, taking care of my aging parent… how I am going to fit the gym into my schedule.

Easy, you work at it. By that I mean figuring out why doing something new or differently is really compelling to you- what is your intrinsic motivation? Also the concept of clarifying what you are saying no to because saying yes to something else is fundamentally more compelling is a powerful.

So you want to start going to the gym, its February now and time to get moving on that resolution.  Why? What’s so important about going to the gym? Maybe it’s to have enough energy to play vigorously with your nieces and nephews. What actions do you need to take to ensure you go- setting an alarm to remind you to leave the office on time? May be it saying no to sitting in traffic for an hour and saying yes to joining a gym on your route home. And then you have to take those actions, get the alarm, set it and pay attention, finding a gym and joining it, and oh yes, deciding what specifically you are going to do at the gym. Because just showing up and walking right back out the door is not going really help get ready to play vigorously with those kids.

So what’s important enough to you to want to make it a habit?

You do what?

The past few weeks I have begun to settle in to a new city and State. As I meet new people the inevitable question, so what do you do comes up in conversation. When I tell people I am a personal coach, I find myself answering their next question, what is that?

Professional coaches have long been recognized for their skills in helping athletes and executives perform at their best. Now professional coaches are helping people to achieve personal and professional goals that result in a more meaningful and fulfilling life and increase their well-being.

Coaching is about generative transformative change. It’s an ongoing professional relationship that enables people and organizations to feel and function at their best. Potential being your latent ability, capacity or possibility yet to be explored – whether you are seeking to  reinvent yourself personally or professionally, take on a big challenge or tackle complex problems.  You stretch your abilities and boundaries to pursue what captivates you, what is compelling to you.

We help you to get in motion and stay on your path with the knowledge, tools and encouragement to make decisions about what changes to make, how to make them  and develop strategies to maintain the changes you make.  Coaches :

• Foster an a generative professional relationship focused on the client’s vision, goals, needs and values.
• Elicit personal motivation for change or development- if you really don’t know why it is important to you, not your husband, doctor, boss or anyone else, but you, to change something, the change will not happen or it will not be lasting.
• Support you as you improve your capacity for change by working with you to increase your resilience, self-efficacy and positivity.
• Encourage people’s strengths, abilities, creativity and inner wisdom while balancing this with critical examination of what is and is not working for you.

Coaching works because we use a strengths based approach that focuses on where you are now and where you want to be in your life. We work as a team, to make smart decisions that support your vision, goals needs and values.  Coaching involves two critical components: 1) reflection, an opportunity to think about and clarify one’s visions, values, goals and hurdles; and 2) action, a commitment to take self defined steps to move towards one’s goals.

Coaching is not psychotherapy or clinical counseling. These are different activities and professional relationships. Coaching is not a substitute for either, but can be a complement to them, if you are engaged in either.

Using a coach can help you create or refine your life to work in harmony with your values, passions and purpose. Coaching may address a variety of goals, including transitions in personal or professional life, specific project completion, making time for your interests, job performance and satisfaction or other aspects of your life, business or profession. You’ll create a personal plan grounded in your goals, and take actions that make the most of your natural talents and creativity.

Haiti part 2: Resources on Managing Traumatic Stress

Whether you know someone in Haiti or feel overwhelmed by watching the news of the disaster, you may feel distressed about the Haiti earthquake. Click here for resources from the American Psychological Association to help you cope.

The emotional effects on children of a large-scale catastrophe or disaster, such as the recent earthquake in Haiti, can be tremendous. Click here for tips to help your child cope.

The NIMH also has some resources and tips on how to cope with violence and traumatic events for parents, and as individuals.

Haiti

Haiti. Oh my goodness, what occurred in Haiti this week- it is too great, too cataclysmic, to overwhelming for words. Banal, trite, to say yes, but true. Like the massive widespread destruction of property and lives in my beloved New Orleans thanks to the massive synergy of insufficient levees and the awesome power of hurricane Katrina, or the mindboggling Tsunami of 2005 there is CRISIS. NOW! Crisis lasting, lingering and lingers longer than the headlines will last.

As my husband and I are looking for our new home, a space we can craft into a home, we debate the merits of one house over an other, then suddenly blocks and blocks of homes and buildings are trembling, shuttering and ultimately collapsing, People are hurt. People are dead and dying. People are trapped. People are homeless. Hundreds of thousands of people are homeless. As many or more are wounded physically and otherwise- wondering what comes next? My concerns of what features of a house that might become my new home are trivial.

What to do? How to help? What can I do from here- that matters?  Works what with is already in place in Haiti, such as Doctors Without Borders/ Médecins Sans Frontières (MSF).  MSF is an international medical humanitarian organization working in more than 60 countries to assist people whose survival is threatened by violence, neglect, or catastrophe. They are in it for the long haul, both before the earthquake, now and will be long after.

There are directed donation sites set up for Haiti on their website, but consider making an undirected donation. Here’s why, money given to a specific fund can only be used for that area which is super. Making an undirected donation helps MSF to serve the people of Haiti as they continue to serve other crises that continuing to happen while the world watches Haiti. And more importantly, it allows them to be first responders.

I have given my share and imagine you have too, but if can give a bit more or haven’t decided where to give, click here to donate to Doctors Without Borders.

Wellness Coaching: what and why?

Back in November  I began a Wellness Coach certification program through Wellcoaches,  to expand my professional growth and reach. Wellness, body, mind and soul is fundamental to me and I think really to all of us. So few are the people I have meet who does not desire to feel at their best physically, engaged mentally emotionally in a fulfilling and positive expanding way, and fundamentally at peace that I have 10 finger and 10 toes available  on which to count them. Most people,myself included find ourselves at cross-road and junctions in life where we just need a little extra support to move through the muck and towards our ideal visions of wellness. Wellness coaching fits with me and my background personally and profession.

The Wellcoachs certification program is part of my professional change I noted in my previous post. It’s thrilling and feels so instinctive to me.

The Boston Globe recently featured a front page article on the Wellness and Health Coaching. The Institute on Coaching at Harvard-affiliated McLean Hospital is featured. I am delighted to tell you that the Codirector of  Institute on Coaching at McLean Hospital is Margaret Moore the founder of Wellcoaches. Ms Moore is active in the Wellcoaches training program and I have had the pleasure of connecting with her through the program.

As Carol Kauffman, the other Codirector at the Instiutue on Coaching said, “Coaching is a process of change that revolves around strengths and potential, rather than feelings of pathology and pain.’’ When  focus on the possible and strengths things really do become possible, with work, even in tremendously difficult or frustrating situation. Read the article for some wonderful stories about people who have experience health and Wellness coaching.

Change: the beginning and the end

Talking with friends this past week, catching up after a Holiday Season punctuated by  “The EPIC Move” the question “What word or phrase sums up 2009?” came up over and over. For me the word was change. After more than 18 months of being in a holding pattern, change ebbed in like a rising tide especially the last 5 months of 2009. Fortunately the tide did not rise to high, too, fast, too quickly or in most cases too unexpected. Change can be exhilarating or paralyzing overwhelming. Either way or anywhere along that continuum change comes with its own growing pains.

There was change in my personal life, change in my geographical location, change in my family and change in my professional life. By in large the change was good even when it felt wrenching. After too many months (12+) our lovely house sold to a young family and I am once again living in the same State as my husband. Now we are looking for a new house to craft into our home and to be able to take our belongings out of storage. That year and a half of long distance phone call, and regular trips from the Midwest to the South, could have ruined our marriage. As hard as that change was it did not. And now we have a cat too boot!

After five plus years of working with a terrific group of people we disbanded, as the contract that funded our work together was not renewed. However, knowing the change was coming, I made the move to focus on my Coaching practice. And I am thrilled to have done so. I changed to increase my skills as a Coach and into someone who is starting a company.

I was a witness to the change many other people went through too. Family and friends married, got pregnant, left their jobs, started 1^st grade, watch their loved ones die, learned to sing out loud and in front of the crowd, go back to school, got sick and got better, bought a house as phase one of retirement, and discover they can indeed ride with the “big boys” around the Cabot Trail. My husband is grown even more as a professional and into a person who handles change and adversity better than he thought he did.

Change humbled me at times and yes there were a few nights of “I-am-just-going-to-take-a-glass-of-wine-and-sit-in-the-tub-for-a-little-while”. Change inspired me to push, grow, evolve, support, and say yes and no even more deliberately.  Ultimately I am proud of how the husband, my family, friends and I have come through this year of flux and change.

Now the metaphorical dust has settled I am beginning to think about 2010. So 2010 starts with change too, finding a new house to call home. Crafting our lives together in one location again, continuing to evolve as Coach and I am looking forward to the results.  I think there are more good things to come even if they do require change, but I sure hope they don’t involve a move during a major holiday season again.

Moving Forward

The moving truck arrives on Monday, Dec. 21, the first day of winter and I head South to join my husband after a longer than wished for separation (1.5 years of weekend visits and long distance phone calls) while waiting to sell a house. The past few weeks have been chock full of all that goes in to selling a house and preparing to move. In the wildness of boxes and packing material and lists of what stays, what goes, and what still remains to be done I was suddenly struck by the importance of taking a moment to reflect on what I am gaining and losing with this move; this great change.

Gains/Pros

Reunited with husband

Opportunity to “declutter”

Opportunity with husband to create a home again

Celebrate the support of family & friends

Reminder to the real joy of the holiday season: to share good wishes and time with loved ones, reflect on the passing year and consider what the coming year might hold

Losses/Cons

Physical proximity to some dear friends

Some sleep

Stress of any major change like a move

My family and friends have helped myself and my husband prepare for this move in many ways from bring over empty boxes and recycled packing materials, spending some time helping to pack, offering an ear and occasional tissue when venting was required, a place house sit in our new location so we can get some bearings about where find a new home of our own. We could not have better presents this year than this love and support. Thank you all.

Take a moment to reflect when the days and nights swirl and whirl of their own accord and you might just find some stillness and peace amidst the madness and distractions.

May the winter season of celebrations bring you and yours joy, love, hope and peace.

Get More Gratitude- Three Simple Practices

Silent gratitude isn’t much use to anyone. ~ Gladys Bronwyn Stern

Gratitude: to feel or show that one values a kindness or benefit. (Oxford American Dictionary)

Martine Seligman writes  “Insufficient appreciation and savoring of the good events in your life and the overemphasis of the bad ones are the two culprits that undermine serenity, contentment and satisfaction.” However feeling and expressing gratitude seems to increase life satisfaction because it focus on and intensifies the experience of good memories about the past, both recent and more distant path.

So how to get more gratitude in your life? Practice. Practice. Practice. Here least three simple practices you can try. The most powerful for the majority of people are the Gratitude Journal, and the Gratitude Visit. These practices have been used by many people and have been show to increase people sense of happiness and feelings of well being over time. The third practice is a bonus, Everyday Gratitude, falls under the heading of manner don’t cost you much but can reap large rewards.

Gratitude Journal or Three Good Things

At the same time each day write down at least three things for which you are grateful. Write by hand to connection yourself physically with these good memories and strive to come up with more than three things, shoot for say 10. These may be things that went well that day or they could be other things in your life. Here are some examples:

“Hearing my nephews laugh over the telephone.”

“Managing my time well which enabled me to cross one extra thing on my list.”

“I did not blow up today when I got cut off in traffic.”

“Rufus Wainwright’s version of Zing! Go The Strings of My Heart.”

Gratitude Visit

In the simplest terms, write and deliver a thank you letter to someone you have not fully thanked for their kindness. Think about someone you who has had a tremendous positive impact in your life and whom you have yet to fully thank.  Take time over several days or a week to write a one page testimonial letter expressing you thanks for why you feel this deep gratitude. Once you have written the letter, deliver it in person and read it to them with your sincere emotions if possible. If not, read it to them over the phone. Let the recipient’s reaction unfold, slowly.

Everyday Gratitude, pass it along. – Bonus practice

Say thank you to someone everyday. Remember to verbally thank people – especially when they aren’t expecting it. Did the counter clerk do a good job, stop, look the person in the eye and offer a sincere Thank you. The small things really do matter and compound.

To get a sense of the full effect of how powerful these practices can be, try this. Write down your answers to the following questions on a piece of paper or journal first before you start these practices and then two weeks after you have been practicing. I bet you’ll find a shift up the scale.

1. On scale of 1(lowest) -  10 (highest) how happy are you over all?
2. On scale of 1(lowest) -  10 (highest) how well have you been getting along with people important you?
3. On scale of 1(lowest) -  10 (highest) how well have you been taking care of your wellbeing?

 

Thanksgiving- Why Be Grateful?

“If winter is slumber and spring is birth, and summer is life, then autumn rounds out to be reflection. It’s a time of year when the leaves are down and the harvest is in and the perennials are gone. Mother Earth just closed up the drapes on another year and it’s time to reflect on what’s come before.”   ~ Mitchell Burgess, Northern Exposure, Thanksgiving, 1992

Happy Thanksgiving! Today is, traditionally a time to express gratitude for the harvest produce and otherwise and in this age to express gratitude in general.  Openly, fully, loudly, sincerely declare a hearty ‘Thanks!”  With the seemingly inescapable economic slide and rippling effects shouted by calmly reported by the media in all forms, finding something to be grateful for can be a challenge.  I know, I have felt the blunt force of the “trouble of the past year plus”; my house is on the market, a work major contract ended and my husband and I find ourselves living in two different States due to all the craziness of the past year and a half. So why feel grateful. Heck what is there even to feel grateful for?

The bottom line is a large and growing body of research showing that gratitude is linked to well being. Folks, well being, in body, mind and spirit is invaluable. How else will you get up each day and do what needs to be done and how else will you experience pleasure?  Here are ways people who are more grateful experience well being:

• They are happier, more satisfied with their relationships and life, and are less stress and less depressed. ^1,2,3
• Higher levels of personal growth, self- acceptance, sense of life purpose and control of their environments.⁴
• More positive ways of coping life’s difficulties and changes, like seeking support when its needed, planning how to deal with the problem, reframing, growing form the experience.⁵
• Fewer less negative coping strategies, like blaming yourself, denying there is a problem, avoidance, “better living through chemistry” substance abuse as a coping mechanism.⁵
• Sleeping better, they think more positive than negative thoughts just before going to sleep.⁶

Even on the crappiest of days there is something to be grateful for, even when that does not seem possible. There are days where digging for the good is harder and darn near impossible, but the benefits are worth it.

I am grateful for:

• The love and respect of my husband
• My nephews (6 yrs and 3 yrs old) singing Happy 40th Birthday to me
• My health
• The challenges the year has thrown me and the opportunities that have sprung from it, like being able to devote my work time energy to my Coaching Practice
• Taming some Gremlins on the dance floor
• My beloved and supportive family and friends
• An other cycle of seasons to witness and tend to the miraculous dynamics of my garden

So what are you grateful for this year?

1. McCullough, M. E., Emmons, R. A., & Tsang, J. (2002). The grateful disposition: A conceptual and empirical topography. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 82, 112-127.
2. Wood, A. M., Joseph, S., & Maltby, J. (2008). Gratitude uniquely predicts satisfaction with life: Incremental validity above the domains and facets of the Five Factor Model. Personality and Individual Differences, 45, 49-54.
3. Kashdan, T.B., Uswatte, G., & Julian, T. (2006). Gratitude and hedonic and eudaimonic well-being in Vietnam War veterans. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44, 177-199.
4. Wood, A. M., Joseph, S. & Maltby (2009). Gratitude predicts psychological well-being above the Big Five facets. Personality and Individual Differences, 45, 655-660.
5. Wood, A. M., Joseph, S., & Linley, P. A. (2007). Coping style as a psychological resource of grateful people. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 26, 1108 – 1125.
6. Wood, A. M., Joseph, S., Lloyd, J., & Atkins, S. (2009). Gratitude influences sleep through the mechanism of pre-sleep cognitions. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 66, 43-48

Statement of Value

Value statements are grounded in values and define how people want to behave in a family, a community, an organization or institution.  In an organization or business they are statements about how the organization will value customers, partners, suppliers etc., and the internal community. Personal value statements articulate how you want to be in your life. Value statements describe actions that are the living enactment of the fundamental values held you. They are the foundation of your personal brand, what makes you uniquely you. Creating a value statement helps to an answer  the questions: “Why am I here?”  and “What I am bringing to the proverbial table?”.

To create your personal value statement, use the following template and complete it with your most sacred values.

I bring value to_______________________________(my family, my community, and/or my business) by placing a high value on _______________________________,________________________________ and ____________________________________.

Some of my clients carry their value statements with them, literally, on a slip of paper in their wallets. Others post their value statements in a place where they will see it daily, say on their bathroom mirror, or in the office. When it comes time to make decisions, especially the difficult ones, they turn to these statements to help keep grounded in what is best and true for them. They live and act to as their fully authentic selves. They prioritize tasks, make choices and take action inline with their personal brass tack.  They get more of what they want, because that is where they focus their efforts and attention.

Interestingly, because of all the time and attention they have paid to clarifying and acting through their values my clients are often say they feel less stressed, even in the midst of chaos. They respect their own values are able to hold enough perspective to respect the varying values of others.  You may also find that you are more easily able to manage stress by:

1. Hold realistic expectations and be gentle with yourself and others. Things often push our buttons or upset use not because they are inherently stressful, but because its not what we expected or wanted.
2. To employ the “Power of A Positive No”. That is “Yes without No is appeasement, whereas No without Yes is war (The Power of a Positive No, William Ury)”. A positive no, marries the two, so that you stand up for yourself and what you need without destroying important relationships and valuable agreements.  Respectfully expresses your interests + Respectfully asserts your power and Extend a respectful invitation to come to an agreement that is a win-win.
3. Reframe. Get a different perspective or change the way you are looking at something, in order to feel better about a situation. There are many ways to interpret a situation.